What She Did Without Her Brains


“I’d forget my brains if they weren’t inside my head.” “Well then that’s a good place for them to be.”

With that Marge and Jason kiss and hug hard, promising never to divorce, but to have a happy family. They decide to marry the very next week, before trouble from any mother might set in. Marge is very excited as she prepares for her ‘wedding shower’ – during which she will clean herself meticulously. So much so that she undoes her skull to remove her brains and puts them on the bedside table by the lamp so they won’t get knocked over and hurt. She has only done this twice before in her life; on her confirmation day & graduation from college.

She exits the shower and goes to New Orleans where she knows nobody. Her groom, Jason, is upset because Marge doesn’t show at the wedding ceremony.

In New Orleans Marge meets a tall, dark, handsome man named George whom she falls in love with immediately. They get married that evening at a corner-marriage-market, which offers honeymoons in New Orleans to people who use their services.

Marge’s Mom, Martha, visits New Orleans but literally bumps into Marge’s husband George on the sidewalk. When she accuses him of not looking where he is going, George says he doesn’t have to watch since he had just married the most beautiful and brainless lady in the world. Martha’s ears pick up at ‘brainless’ since she found some brains in her daughter’s bedroom. She asks George if his wife’s name is Marge. He replies, “How do you know?”

“I just found some brains on my daughter’s bedside table; gooey but in one piece. Her name is Marge.”

“You think that you’ve found your daughter because I told you my wife is brainless and beautiful?”

“Well she may be but my daughter certainly is. My daughter is supposed to marry Jason – not whoever you are. Who are you, anyway?”

“I’m George. She can’t marry me if she’s already betrothed; that’s bigamy. It nullifies the wedding she and I have.”

George begins to cry and runs in the opposite direction of Martha.

An evil crow swoops onto him tearing out his eyes while attacking him generally and viscously. George suddenly and painlessly surrenders to another life.

When Marge hears of this, news travels fast in New Orleans, she is upset too. She decides to return home to Columbus.

Martha doesn’t know her daughter, Marge, left town for days. When she hears, she worries that Marge will not remember to go to her home in Columbus and check in with the first almost-to-be husband, Jason. Marge still needs to solidify things with him.

Marge finds Jason in Columbus and they get married, late. She wants to please him so much she fixes him a special dinner in honor of the occasion. Marge is still brainless as she blends the flavors, however. They taste awful to Jason, but Marge’s smile makes him smirk and praise her cooking. How can such a lack of flavors in one’s memory allow one to create such a truly favorable blending of foods and spices?

“Marge, dearest, given your ability to blend things, as shown by this dinner, you should run for office.” Jason doesn’t think she will take him seriously. He is shocked to see Marge’s name & face on a sign on one of the Columbus transit buses a few days later.

Marge wins the election to the Columbus City Council by a landslide victory. She is to be sworn in with all the newbies the same day. However, Marge forgets this and does not get sworn in to government.

Instead she returns her home, not to her apartment with Jason, wondering what to do. She goes to her bedroom looking for clues. On the bedside table, by the lamp where Marge had left them, are her brains. They are still gooey, thanks to Columbus’ humidity. Marge’s brains slip right into her skull and attach immediately. Marge becomes a very savvy woman who pleases everyone and forgets nothing. Her cooking improves, for example.

Marge quickly becomes a shining light in Columbus politics, sponsoring legislations that many think about but nobody writes. Columbus becomes as shining a light and exemplary city without troubles as can be. Until that day comes.

Jason is at his home when Martha comes to visit her daughter Marge and Marge is out somewhere. Martha decides to talk to him. He sits, knowing he is in a state of transition from person to vampire, after being bitten by a vampire while traveling to law offices in Paris. While Martha covers many different subjects, he doesn’t know what to say, so he decides it will be best if he says nothing. He just looks interested as Martha talks. After about an hour, Martha says, “You’re very quiet today. Are you well?”

“Yes, I’m OK. I guess I’m concerned about Marge. She didn’t tell me where she went.”

“Don’t be concerned. You’re just her husband. I’m her mother and I’m not concerned. She’ll come back – always has.”

“That’s easy for you to say, Mom. But try it on at this end.”

Martha stands and walks around the room wondering whether or not to tell Jason something. It is a fairly important bit of information and it would decrease his concern about Marge. Finally she decides to let him in on the secret.

“Jason, I want you to know something that will be very important to you. I am one of Dracula’s brides.”

Jason immediately speaks up. “Then Marge is your daughter; but is also Dracula’s daughter? She is part vampire too?”

“Yes. That’s how she was able to remove her brains when she entered the ‘wedding shower’ just before she went to New Orleans where she married George. But Marge doesn’t know any of this. She thinks it is normal to remove your brains for a big shower.”

Jason stands and walks around the room. He feels like a stream is flooding off and he can now tell Martha he has been bitten by a bat and has only 2 bites to go before he is a full vampire. He tells her and Martha smiles and caresses his neck.

“You cute little darling. You don’t know what your getting into do you?”

“No, not if there’s anything special to being a vampire. Is there?”

Martha tells him he would be one of them for eternity. He would live in Columbus in a coffin of soil from the country where he was born, by day, and fly at night, sucking peoples’ blood. It wouldn’t be pleasant. There is no laughter, dancing or singing permitted in any of the vampire covens.

As the husband of the daughter of a vampire, Jason is well suited to live with her, because he is a vampire. They share the same nighttime hours of existence as each other.

They get up and hug hard, praising each other for being a vampire. Then Martha sinks her fangs into Jason’s neck and sucks some more blood.

“There you are sweetie; one step closer to being a full vampire and able to wear your dinner suit.”

Martha walks into the cold Columbus night and changes into a bat. She flies off to the local university where the students are playing at this time of night. Soft warm flesh will be her treat.

The students are newbies of a sort and know nothing about vampire life. They will kiss anyone without asking why they are doing so.

Martha finds many students on the playground. She beckons to a blond woman who walks over to her. “What do you want?” asks the young blonde.

“I want to talk to you,” said Martha.

“Well talk. I’m from Dallas. My father’s wealthy. My major is English. I have a boyfriend. There, that’s me. Let’s hear about you.”

“Not here,” utters Martha. “At my home.”

“Alright, let’s go. Where do you live?”

“Follow me. I’ll show you.”

Martha begins walking away from the blond who starts after her. Martha comes to a Towncar and unlocks the driver’s door. The blond hurries up and comes to the car. Martha waves her to the other side. The blond walks to the other front door and finds it unlocked. Alice gets in, and so does Martha. They drive off to Martha’s apartment building.

In it Alice finds no mirrors and two coffins one with soil in it. Martha says, “I don’t know your name. Is it Alice?”

“How did you know?”

“I guess I’m psychic. I tend to know things. For no real reason, I just know who to connect with, like I did tonight at your college when I looked at you.” Martha stares at Alice again. Alice drops her shoulders and relaxes. Martha caresses Alice’s neck, then sinks her fangs into the vein that runs thru her neck. Alice starts a bit, but accepts the biting as another thing to do. After all Alice is just a student at the local university and this is a lady who lives in her own apartment in Columbus with a Towncar.

“I’m a vampire and have just given you your first bite before you are a full vampire.”

“What does a full vampire do? What are you talking about?”

“It – vampires can be male or female – flies at night, sucking blood and making other vampires. It cannot enjoy life. As a woman you will be one of Dracula’s brides. You will visit him in Transylvania occasionally. You will fly at night only sucking blood. You will do that for eternity. Eternity, Alice, is a very long time.”

Alice becomes full vampire in the Columbus coven quickly. She takes to the community like a duck to water. She bites fellow students, making more vampires, as she was told to do by Martha. Alice brings some soil from Texas, where she was born, to her coffin in Columbus. She sleeps on it during the day and flies by night, sucking the blood. One night she sucks a man.

Jason goes out with Alice in the cold smoking his pipe. Jason starts waddling, nearly loosing balance and falling in the snow. Jokingly Jason asks God for help. Alice hugs him to her tightly. Jason shakes himself straight saying, “Thank you.” They make love in a foot of snow.

Jason empties his pipe and walks back into the room where the thermostat is set for over 80 degrees.

Jason passes a lady on the way in who looks fearfully at him. Next three things happen: A bundle of unopened letters are on the couch, one item is an invitation to an arts School Jason had attended as a child and not heard from since; some pipe tobacco from Virginia arrives; Books come soon after being ordered. That all these things show up at once, instead of trickling in over time, is remarkable. So Jason thanks the Good Lord for protecting him when he had ventured outside to smoke his pipe and made love. He decides they had made love with Good God’s help.

Then a bat flutters into the room. It transforms into pretty, blond woman and beckons to him to go to where she is. “Don’t be alarmed. I won’t harm you.” It, what started as a bat, caresses Jason’s neck like it knows what to expect. All speech becomes irrelevant when she parts her lips revealing fangs. “I will merely bring you into another lifestyle.”

“I don’t hear any words from you, yet I’m getting these messages. How is that possible?”

“You’ve been chosen by one of the full vampires for inauguration. You will get the 3 bites; and many more over eternity afterward.”

“I don’t want 3 bites – or even one bite – let alone an eternity of bites. I have a family.”

“You want these things but don’t know your real desires yet. Stay with me and I’ll show you what you want in life.”

“How can you do that when you don’t know yourself?”

Alice shakes her hair once with the authority of a barking dog. “Here it comes; the road-side drill. You want this because you want eternity and this gives you that. Eternity without questions. A lifetime of living with the Columbus vampires’ coven. Sleeping in your own soil by day and flying by night to create more vampires.”

Jason remembers the gifts from God and risks asking again – only this time by thought. Without saying anything Jason asks the Good Lord to protect him from this vampire. The blond transforms into a bat and flutters away. Jason picks up his bowl and lights it, thanking the Good Lord for His help. A strange feeling of, “You’re welcome” warms him.

Jason acts lucidly when he smokes the pipe. In fact he doesn’t know what is happening. Simply he asked the Good Lord as a joke for protection and the woman changed into a bat and flew off.

The Columbus covens -good or evil - blow hard tonight.